Building Conversation - How to Listen Well

Sorry for the short hiatus. My husband stole my laptop for a few days for a project (which I'll explain in a later post). In any case, I'm back to posting and what better topic than listening?!

Listening is something that just about everyone can stand some improvement.

How many times have you tried to say something only to have someone speak over you? How many times have you been the person talking over others?

How many times have you waited for someone to finish speaking just so you could say what was on your mind?

If this happens to you a lot, then you aren't listening.

Being an awesome conversationalist means sometimes you need to shut up. You need to pay your conversation partner your undivided attention. Believe me, things will be more interesting and more enjoyable. When you listen to a person, they respect you and are more likely to enjoy themselves. Happiness is contagious.

The question is, how can you get better at listening?

First, listening happens with the whole body. Just like dance or karate their is a stance associated with listening. Lean forward. Look into your conversation partner's eyes. Keep an open expression on your face (frowning and scowling don't qualify!). Show your conversation partner that you want to be there. By doing this, it makes it a lot easier for your brain to actually focus on what a person is saying.

Second, notice patterns. Stories follow a kind of logic. There is a beginning, middle, and an end. When someone is speaking, note these in your mind. This will help you focus and make it a lot easier to keep track of even the most boring anecdote.

Third, if you don't understand something, ask. This will help you to grasp the finer points of a story, but asking for clarification isn't just about understanding. People love to have questions asked about them. It shows you're interested. It doesn't really matter if you care or not - asking a question makes the speaker feel like you do.

Finally,  respond with full sentences. Just saying "uh huh" or "right" doesn't indicate listening. It tells the speaker you wish you were somewhere else or were planning your meals for the next week. However when you say "Wow, that must have been really hard for you!" it shows empathy and understanding.

This might seem like a lot of work at first, but with time and practice it will become second nature. And believe me, it's worth it! Good listeners are well liked. Even if you don't feel comfortable speaking much in conversations, listening with the occasional empathetic comment and clarifying question will be well received. Plus, it may help you make some new friends while improving some existing relationships (think: your girlfriend, boyfriend or spouse!).

It's just one more skill in your arsenal to ensure your impressive awesomeness. Oh yeah!!!

How to Own a Room

When I say own a room, I don't mean purchase.

Think about a time when you were at a party and someone entered the room. As soon as that person walked in, the entire room looked up. It was clear from the moment that person entered they were in charge. He or she could call the shots and get anything he or she wanted.

The question is, why?

Why do some people own a room and others become, well, owned?

There are several things that go into controlling a space: confidence, posture, and appearance. Let's discuss confidence first.

A confident person expects certain things. When I feel confident, I assume I will get what I want when I want it. I assume the bartender will come to me immediately and make me a perfect drink (and honestly, if I wait, I don't wait long). I assume I will get the booth (and I rarely get anything else - unless I want something else). The moral to this is a confident person will ask for what they want, and 99% of the time, they'll get it.

Confidence leads nicely into posture. Posture is very important. A good portion of communication is nonverbal. For example if you say you're telling the truth but shake your head, your conversation partner will believe you are lying. People believe the nonverbal more than the verbal.

The key here is to position yourself in a way that looks like you know what you're doing (confidently!). Your head should be held high. You should look people in the eye. Your shoulders should be straight. Your movements should be smooth. This last one has more to do with grace than with confidence. Grace implies a certain degree of control. People who move with control have more power, because physical control in people's minds implies other kinds of personal control (mental, emotional, and social). Remember - humans are social beings. We have dominance hierarchies. That means someone is always above us while another is below us. We like having someone in charge - the question is, will it be you or someone else?

The final piece to help you own a room is your appearance. I've already posted about appearance, but I can't stress it enough! Dress to impress! Put on some deodorant! Brush your teeth! And for god's sake, SMILE! If you look cranky or angry, no one will give you the time of day.

These pieces are the foundation to owning a room. Yes they are superficial. If you don't have substance (interesting conversation, social capital, or other influence) you won't stay on top for very long. But at least when you're walking into Nordi's or Sak's you'll get some good service