Building Conversation - How to Listen Well

Sorry for the short hiatus. My husband stole my laptop for a few days for a project (which I'll explain in a later post). In any case, I'm back to posting and what better topic than listening?!

Listening is something that just about everyone can stand some improvement.

How many times have you tried to say something only to have someone speak over you? How many times have you been the person talking over others?

How many times have you waited for someone to finish speaking just so you could say what was on your mind?

If this happens to you a lot, then you aren't listening.

Being an awesome conversationalist means sometimes you need to shut up. You need to pay your conversation partner your undivided attention. Believe me, things will be more interesting and more enjoyable. When you listen to a person, they respect you and are more likely to enjoy themselves. Happiness is contagious.

The question is, how can you get better at listening?

First, listening happens with the whole body. Just like dance or karate their is a stance associated with listening. Lean forward. Look into your conversation partner's eyes. Keep an open expression on your face (frowning and scowling don't qualify!). Show your conversation partner that you want to be there. By doing this, it makes it a lot easier for your brain to actually focus on what a person is saying.

Second, notice patterns. Stories follow a kind of logic. There is a beginning, middle, and an end. When someone is speaking, note these in your mind. This will help you focus and make it a lot easier to keep track of even the most boring anecdote.

Third, if you don't understand something, ask. This will help you to grasp the finer points of a story, but asking for clarification isn't just about understanding. People love to have questions asked about them. It shows you're interested. It doesn't really matter if you care or not - asking a question makes the speaker feel like you do.

Finally,  respond with full sentences. Just saying "uh huh" or "right" doesn't indicate listening. It tells the speaker you wish you were somewhere else or were planning your meals for the next week. However when you say "Wow, that must have been really hard for you!" it shows empathy and understanding.

This might seem like a lot of work at first, but with time and practice it will become second nature. And believe me, it's worth it! Good listeners are well liked. Even if you don't feel comfortable speaking much in conversations, listening with the occasional empathetic comment and clarifying question will be well received. Plus, it may help you make some new friends while improving some existing relationships (think: your girlfriend, boyfriend or spouse!).

It's just one more skill in your arsenal to ensure your impressive awesomeness. Oh yeah!!!

How to Get What You Want

There are a few different ways to get what you want. To be honest, some of them anyone can do, while others require certain pipes.

Let's start with the gender neutral.

When you're going into a negotiation, you have to be clear about what you want. Be very specific. I always think about the scene from Better Off Ted where Veronica shows Linda how to be assertive. Veronica orders a cube monkey to bring her chicken for lunch. Linda asks for a chicken. Veronica then praises Linda for being assertive, but informs her that she might get a live chicken. She wasn't specific enough.

Ask for more than what you think you'll get. Always shoot for the moon. Even if you don't get what you asked for, you're more likely to get what you really wanted.

Use the right words for the situation. If you're in an office asking for a raise, you don't want to curse or use slang. If you're asking someone out, you don't want to use robotic technical jargon (unless they're into it!).

Dress like you mean it. There is a uniform for every situation. The more in charge you look, the more likely it is you'll get what you want. This means:

• No wrinkles.
• Matching - or at least pieces that make sense together (including shoes).
• Brush your hair (guys - this includes taking care of facial hair!).
• Wear deodorant.
• Brush your teeth (no - seriously.).

Act like you mean it. If you walk in slumped over and averting your eyes, there's no way you'll get what you're after. Firm handshakes go a long way. Eye contact in the US is a must.  Watch your vocal tone and cadence.

Offer something in return. Sometimes this can be saying something nice, asking after someone's family, or asking another personal (but appropriate) question. This is a psychic reward that functions to prime the person's pump. You can also, if necessary, give quid pro quo. Do not however lead with that - it should be something towards the end, an ace, to push someone into giving you want you want if they're not sure.

For women only: There are two things that women should keep in mind. Smiling goes a long way to helping women get what they want. If women are perceived as cold, they are considered bitchy and it will actually prevent you from getting what you want.

If you're desperate, your nuke is crying. No one likes to see a woman crying. It freaks them out. Most people will do whatever they can to get a woman to stop crying. I used this in Indira Gandhi International Airport with a security guard to get him to overlook a security measure (because I had done something stupid). Worked like a charm!

For men only: While men should smile with other men, it is not as effective for them as it is with women. Smiling on a male face can be perceived as aggressive. Often when men posture in negotiations, it is important to let the man being asked to feel like he's in control. Let him feel that way. He'll feel good about giving you something if he feels like it's his choice out of the goodness of his heart.

If you're desperate, your nuke is confusion. Just like people can't stand women crying, people can't stand a man looking confused. They will do whatever they can to get a man to a point where he knows what he's doing. While I have not used it myself (obviously) - my husband has used this with great success.

These tactics can be adjusted and used in a variety of situations. When used effectively, they get you what you want when you want it. It's just another way you can be even more impressively awesome.

Build Interesting Conversation: Do Something - Anything!

You have a high school reunion coming up.

No, it's a big party and you want to impress the boss!

...Or you're going some place where you know you'll run into your ex.

What do you talk about? What have you done with your life? That's the question. There are little things you can do in your daily life to be awesome, but you need to do some big things too. So here's the meat and potatoes post.

Let me give you a short list of some of the things I've done:

1. Recorded 2 music albums (in 4 years)
2. Lived in 4 different countries (including the US)
3. Written and published 3 books (in 2 years)
4. Worked my way to management (in less than 1 year)
5. Been married twice (once in the Himalayas, and once in Santa Barbara - same guy!)

That's the short list, but it's by no means exhaustive. Each one of those points has a whole slew of associated stories. Most people won't do all those things, and frankly, it's kind of ridiculous. No, actually it's absolutely insane. If you did half those things you'd have more than enough stories to impress anyone you wanted to. If you did any one of those things, it would be enough to impress people.

And that's my point.

You need to go out and live in order to be impressive. You have to try things in order to be awesome. Figure out something you love, and jump into it with both feet. Being an expert in something is a way to impressing people. If you decided to learn about drinking songs from seventeenth century England and that was your thing, let me tell you, that would be a party. I would want to know all about it and I guarantee drinking with you would be a good time.

That's the long game. The short game is to take small risks in your free time. For example, go to a festival. Find out the interesting places in your town or area and visit them. Sit in on an open mic night at a pub or coffeehouse (there are always good stories even if you're not performing!). Take a class! The first time you do something like this it will be uncomfortable. Like most things, the more you go on these mini adventures, the easier it will become. Plus, every time you do, you'll build up your interesting quotient.

The more things you do, the easier it will be to talk to your boss, your ex, or that annoying over achiever from high school. With a body of adventures and knowledge, it's a lot easier to be impressively awesome.