How to Own a Room

When I say own a room, I don't mean purchase.

Think about a time when you were at a party and someone entered the room. As soon as that person walked in, the entire room looked up. It was clear from the moment that person entered they were in charge. He or she could call the shots and get anything he or she wanted.

The question is, why?

Why do some people own a room and others become, well, owned?

There are several things that go into controlling a space: confidence, posture, and appearance. Let's discuss confidence first.

A confident person expects certain things. When I feel confident, I assume I will get what I want when I want it. I assume the bartender will come to me immediately and make me a perfect drink (and honestly, if I wait, I don't wait long). I assume I will get the booth (and I rarely get anything else - unless I want something else). The moral to this is a confident person will ask for what they want, and 99% of the time, they'll get it.

Confidence leads nicely into posture. Posture is very important. A good portion of communication is nonverbal. For example if you say you're telling the truth but shake your head, your conversation partner will believe you are lying. People believe the nonverbal more than the verbal.

The key here is to position yourself in a way that looks like you know what you're doing (confidently!). Your head should be held high. You should look people in the eye. Your shoulders should be straight. Your movements should be smooth. This last one has more to do with grace than with confidence. Grace implies a certain degree of control. People who move with control have more power, because physical control in people's minds implies other kinds of personal control (mental, emotional, and social). Remember - humans are social beings. We have dominance hierarchies. That means someone is always above us while another is below us. We like having someone in charge - the question is, will it be you or someone else?

The final piece to help you own a room is your appearance. I've already posted about appearance, but I can't stress it enough! Dress to impress! Put on some deodorant! Brush your teeth! And for god's sake, SMILE! If you look cranky or angry, no one will give you the time of day.

These pieces are the foundation to owning a room. Yes they are superficial. If you don't have substance (interesting conversation, social capital, or other influence) you won't stay on top for very long. But at least when you're walking into Nordi's or Sak's you'll get some good service

How to Look Awesome - Clothes: Save Your Ta-tas!

I love Save the Ta-tas! But today I'm not posting something for the month of October or anything about cancer. Saving your beautiful breasts is something you need to do daily and it requires a properly fitted bra (believe me, your boy-toy and your boobies will thank me).

Remember those measurements I had you take? Get them out (or measure again).

First let's check that rib cage (under the bust). That number inches (32 or 36 or 48 etc) is your band size. My friend who was a fit specialist at a high-end lingerie boutique told me I was a 32 and I measure 32" exactly. This is contrary to what some websites show (they say you should up a few inches which would mean I should get a 34 - though I know 34s generally don't work for me).

Now that you have your band size, let's compare to the fullest part of your bust. Here's the deal. The difference between your rib cage and your phenomenal breasts is what gives you the cup size. HerRoom has a good chart showing the differences for cups. It also has a great chart showing the differences between brand sizes for women with bigger racks.

Something else to keep in mind when bra shopping is your profile. This will help you determine what kind of cut (full, demi, etc) you purchase. I like what Nordi's has to say on the matter.

Now that you're armed (or breasted?) with all this helpful information, go try on some bras! Chances are you're going to have to get rid of your old ones because you've been wearing the wrong size since you were 16! That said, if you have an unusual size (anything besides A-D), your new bras are going to be an investment.

Before you have a minor coronary after pricing these puppies, keep in mind what a good bra does. Breasts change shape easily. If you sleep wrong, you can make them go weird (Ew! Be sure to sleep on your side to keep them pretty!)! Your bra literally impacts the shape of your breasts. A good bra will keep them round and perky for much longer than if you wore an unsupportive one. Another thing to consider is a properly fitted bra helps keep you looking young. Nothing screams old like saggy boobs. The fastest way to lose ten years? A good fitting bra. It also helps you feel confident. Confidence is essential to be impressively awesome. You could wear a boring nude bra, but once that shirt is on, your profile looks awesome - impressively awesome. You walk taller, stand straighter, and smile wider.

Remember, nothing is more important in a woman's wardrobe than her bras. It is an investment that is well worth it! Not only will you save your ta-tas, but you'll feel confident and fantastic. That's a short way from looking impressively awesome!

How to Look Awesome - Clothes Part 2

Remember your body shape? Have your measurements in hand? Good. Now we're ready for step 2.

Go through your closet. Anything that doesn't fit you or makes you look "frumpy" throw out or donate. Keep anything that makes you look impressively awesome.

NOTE: If you love something that is a little baggy, you can take it to a tailor or alter it yourself to better fit your body. I recently altered two of my husband's tees and they now look awesome. One makes me feel like a 70s rocker and the other channels Jingletown.

Here's the second painful (or fun) bit. It's time to replace the pieces you just chucked.

For an impressively awesome wardrobe you should have at least the following in neutral colors:

• 1 suit
• 1 jacket/coat
• 1 pair dress pants
• 1 skirt (for the ladies)
• 3 basic knit tops
• 3 dress shirts/blouses
• 2 pairs jeans (casual pants)
• socks (of course)
• underwear (of course)
• 1 pair dress shoes
• 1 pair sneakers/casual shoes

Obviously your underwear and your socks shouldn't be donated or thrown out (with the exception of bras, but we'll get there in another post). You probably can keep your sneakers and your dress shoes you already own (unless they look ridiculous. If they're ridiculous, get rid of them. Just saying.).

If you don't have a suit already (that fits), this is going to be an investment. It is worth it!  Suits make you look dignified and in charge. Trust me - you should own at least 1. The jacket and pants can be worn separately too, which adds options. Expect to shell out for this useful garment.

Everything else can be found in interesting fabrics and styles at discount stores (Ross or Marshalls) or Goodwill.

If you have no other clothes than this basic closet, you'd be fine (other than having to do laundry twice a week). With just a few accessories however, you can take your wardrobe to the next level. Accessories are cheap and are the difference between awesome and bleh. Feel free to get a few in brighter colors or patterns. Scarves, bags, belts, and hats can be found for super cheap at second-hand shops (make sure to clean any used clothing or accessories to keep out cooties!). Most of my silk scarves were purchased at second-hand shops for around $2 each. They add color, verve, and were totally worth it.

Now you have your wardrobe set. You're ready to hit the karaoke bar or the library looking spectacular. Well, almost. There's just one last bit for the ladies. It's a special one for October (think: breast cancer awareness!) and it truly makes the difference between you being pretty cute to absolutely fan-fricking-tastic!

How to Look Awesome - Clothes Part 1

When I look at someone I start narrating in my head. I create a story about a person based on their clothing, stance, hair, expression, and hygiene.

Many people will say appearances don't matter. For them, one of two delusions is going on. Either they are delusional because they wish the world was less superficial or they're uncomfortable with their own appearance and so try to fool themselves.

We know, however, that appearance is important. Why else are there hot people in fashion ads or geeky guys in tech ads? Marketing executives don't leave these things up to chance. Appearance is important.

Because appearance can be divided into several different segments, I will devote this post to clothing.

There are 2 things you'll need for this:

1. A cloth measuring tape
2. A willingness to possibly throw away your entire closet

First, you're going to need to measure 3 parts of your body: hips (at their widest part), waist (just above the navel), and chest (around the rib cage. Women will need to take an additional measurement around their breasts). Write these down!

The reason you did this is so you can tell what body shape you have (more or less). If you have wider hips and a smaller chest, you're a pear. If your chest and hips are even, you're an hourglass. If you're straight down the line, you're a ruler. If you are widest around the middle, you're an apple. Bigger on top? You're an inverted triangle.

Generally it is "better" for men to have broader shoulders, and women to have a smaller waist. These are the key things our bodies are programmed to look for (biologically). That said, the clothing you wear can highlight your assets while downplaying issues.

Contrary to popular belief, you want to avoid baggy clothes (even if you're trying to hide something!). Baggy clothes make you look fatter than you are. If you're trying to hide a paunch, try for something with cleaner lines and a nice drape (rayon or linen are good fabric choices). A good cut for a woman with a paunch is an empire waist (cut loved by pregger women everywhere!).

When it comes to pants, try to find something that actually fits your inseam (pants should join just below the crotch and hit at the ankles). If the inseam is too long, the crotch will be stressed and rip. Likewise the hem will drag on the ground and rip. Baggy pants make you look like you're in prison, squirreling something away, or recently had your stomach stapled (not cute!). Super tight pants will either cut off circulation to your nethers, or force fat up above your waistband (gross!).

General rules of thumb for body shape:

• Rulers - Women add shape with a flared skirt, belt, and ruffled top. Men add some heft to your shoulders with a blazer and stick to straight leg jeans.
• Pears - Women stick to floaty skirts that fit snuggly at the waist and hide the hips. Men need to make sure your pants fit well and your shirts are a good drape/cut to downplay the hips.
• Hourglass - This generally refers to women (and is considered the "ideal"). Always wear tops and dresses that highlight the waist. A baggy shirt will make an hourglass look fat.
• Apple - Tapered and skintight pants are a BIG no-no for everyone. Stick with things that drape well (tunics are a good idea). Straight leg is good for the bottom-half.
• Inverted triangle - This is the "ideal" for men. Women stay away from baggy shirts as this will make you look more like an apple. Both men and women should highlight slender waists. Knits are a good idea to help show off those beautiful shoulders (and big breasts!). Stay away from skintight and tapered pants. 

In my next post, I'll write about how to reinvigorate your closet with this new information. This is a process to overhaul your appearance. It takes time, and a bit of investment, but it is worth it to look impressively awesome.

How to Get What You Want

There are a few different ways to get what you want. To be honest, some of them anyone can do, while others require certain pipes.

Let's start with the gender neutral.

When you're going into a negotiation, you have to be clear about what you want. Be very specific. I always think about the scene from Better Off Ted where Veronica shows Linda how to be assertive. Veronica orders a cube monkey to bring her chicken for lunch. Linda asks for a chicken. Veronica then praises Linda for being assertive, but informs her that she might get a live chicken. She wasn't specific enough.

Ask for more than what you think you'll get. Always shoot for the moon. Even if you don't get what you asked for, you're more likely to get what you really wanted.

Use the right words for the situation. If you're in an office asking for a raise, you don't want to curse or use slang. If you're asking someone out, you don't want to use robotic technical jargon (unless they're into it!).

Dress like you mean it. There is a uniform for every situation. The more in charge you look, the more likely it is you'll get what you want. This means:

• No wrinkles.
• Matching - or at least pieces that make sense together (including shoes).
• Brush your hair (guys - this includes taking care of facial hair!).
• Wear deodorant.
• Brush your teeth (no - seriously.).

Act like you mean it. If you walk in slumped over and averting your eyes, there's no way you'll get what you're after. Firm handshakes go a long way. Eye contact in the US is a must.  Watch your vocal tone and cadence.

Offer something in return. Sometimes this can be saying something nice, asking after someone's family, or asking another personal (but appropriate) question. This is a psychic reward that functions to prime the person's pump. You can also, if necessary, give quid pro quo. Do not however lead with that - it should be something towards the end, an ace, to push someone into giving you want you want if they're not sure.

For women only: There are two things that women should keep in mind. Smiling goes a long way to helping women get what they want. If women are perceived as cold, they are considered bitchy and it will actually prevent you from getting what you want.

If you're desperate, your nuke is crying. No one likes to see a woman crying. It freaks them out. Most people will do whatever they can to get a woman to stop crying. I used this in Indira Gandhi International Airport with a security guard to get him to overlook a security measure (because I had done something stupid). Worked like a charm!

For men only: While men should smile with other men, it is not as effective for them as it is with women. Smiling on a male face can be perceived as aggressive. Often when men posture in negotiations, it is important to let the man being asked to feel like he's in control. Let him feel that way. He'll feel good about giving you something if he feels like it's his choice out of the goodness of his heart.

If you're desperate, your nuke is confusion. Just like people can't stand women crying, people can't stand a man looking confused. They will do whatever they can to get a man to a point where he knows what he's doing. While I have not used it myself (obviously) - my husband has used this with great success.

These tactics can be adjusted and used in a variety of situations. When used effectively, they get you what you want when you want it. It's just another way you can be even more impressively awesome.